Change From Within
by bl00d-orange
Summary: You know the story but yet, you're here, reading Harry Potter Fanfics because you want more. Follow little R.J. Lupin as he teams up with J. Potter, S. Black, and P. Pettigrew, undergoes horrific transformations, is supporting and loved by Madam Pomfrey, and learns to accept himself as best as he can. Abandoned


**From the Hogwarts Lunar Chart:**

**The Full Moon for September will fall on Saturday the 4th **

Chapter 1

Peter

On the warm Autumn day where our story starts, 11-year-old Peter Pettigrew awoke to an empty dormitory - well, empty apart from a moving mound of blankets that concealed his new roommate, Remus Lupin. Remus appeared to be groaning in his sleep. Peter had a wicked father who did not take kindly to be woken up so Peter got up as quietly as he could and made for the passage to leave. With an entire school to explore, a dangerous kind of excitement came over Peter.

Remus

Remus made to get up but he stopped himself when waves of nausea fell over him. He had enough experience with nausea that he knew he wouldn't vomit but he still felt terrible. Sometimes he preferred it when he could vomit, at least then the nausea would go away.

Professor Dumbledore had said something about special arrangements for tonight. He hadn't said what exactly those arrangements would be.

_I need to find out what they are! I need to find him. _

_I don't even know where Professor Dumbledore's office is. I suppose he could be at breakfast - or was it lunchtime now? _

Remus forced himself out of bed. As he made for his trunk to put clean clothes on, he could feel how shaky his legs were.

_I can't do it_, he thought.

"POP!"

Remus started. A house-elf stood before him. The boy had heard about house-elves but he had never seen one before.

"I is Lamby," the elf said in a high-pitch voice. I has orders to bring you this. The house-elf handed Remus a silver tray, a bowl of porridge, and a note.

_Dear Remus, _

_Welcome to Hogwarts! I expect that you are presently feeling quite unwell. As we discussed earlier, special arrangements have been made for tonight. Please meet Madam Pomfrey in the entrance hall this evening at 5:30. In the meantime, Lamby has graciously agreed to assist you during the day. _

_Yours sincerely, _

_Albus Dumbledore _

"During the day", he noted.

Some part of Remus had thought that maybe things would be different at Hogwarts or he wouldn't have been allowed to come.

It happened slowly. He felt his throat tighten and his chin tremble, then his eyes began to water. Suddenly he was crying harder than he had in years, his whole body shaking.

_I'm too old to be crying_, he thought. _And I shouldn't be up upset; I'm here at Hogwarts._

This thought only made him feel worse.

At some point, Remus became aware of a webbed hand on his arm. He looked up into the large tennis ball-sized eyes.

"Sir, 't'is okay Mister. You are a wizard and you have Professor Dumbledore, Sir". "If you eat, sir, you will feel better."

As he spooned down the bland porridge, he began to feel a little bit better and a bit stronger.

"How may I serve you, Mister?"

"There's nothing anyone can do for me," he mumbled.

Lamby nodded in acknowledgment of the boy and vanished.

RJL * JP * SB

Out in the grounds, James Potter and Sirius Black were enjoying their very first Hogwarts Saturday. They had spent a solid twenty minutes working on their secret handshake. It was going to be manly and have color-coordinated sparks. Now, they just really wanted to go flying but to their dismay, they discovered that first years weren't allowed to ride broomsticks until after their first flying lesson.

"This is bogus" muttered James, "I've been flying since I was born."

"I think they just don't want the mudblood kids to feel bad", said Sirius, trying to make conversation.

"You just said the "m" word!?" James was shocked. "You can't say that!"

"Mudblood" called Sirius. "Mudblood, mudblood, mudblood".

"You better watch yourself," said a stocky girl with straight brown hair and freckles who had just appeared behind them. She sounded serious. Her name was Helena Strong and she was the Gryffindor prefect.

"If I hear that kind of language again, I will dock paints but that's nothing compared to what the other Gryffindors will do to you" and she stocked off.

Sirius's face grew hot.

"I didn't realize that word would be such a big deal. I only meant that they're only thinking about the muggle-born kids; It's not fair for the rest of us," Sirius said to his new friend.

James changed the subject.

"Sirius, want to play gobstones? I have a set back at the castle."

James ran up to the dormitory, leaving Sirius behind. James knelt down in front of the chest where he kept his clothes and prized possessions. He was just about to open it up and grab his gobstone set when he heard someone crying. In his new dormmate's bed was a shaking blanket mound. James approached it slowly. He thought about reaching to touch it but thought better of it.

"You okay?" he asked.

The blanket mound shook a little but the boy inside it didn't speak.

James missed his parents a lot; He assumed this boy, Remus, was probably feeling the same way.

"Dude, seriously, are you okay? It's a Saturday. I've heard the lake has a giant squid and that the gamekeeper might be an actual giant. I have gobstones too and exploding snap and Wizards' chess."

His stomach felt tight; he slowly sipped air to keep the nausea at bay.

He pinched his finger tightly to stop himself from crying. There were no words he could string together to describe what he was feeling; right now, it was simply too overwhelming and god, he didn't want his dormmates to think he was weak.

But he didn't remember the last time someone his own age had wanted to be around him and no one had ever listed half-a-dozen possible ways of spending a day.

Remus forced himself out, the movement made him feel dizzy and nauseous.

James opened his mouth but didn't speak. Remus was so pale, he looked almost ghostly. It was clear that it was taking effort even for him to sit up properly.

"You do not look good. I'll help you to the hospital wing. Sirius will too!"

"I'm fine", Remus lied.

"And I'm a hippogriff."

"Please, I just want to be left alone."

Sirius 

The sound of stomping steps announced young Sirius' Black arrival.

"What's taking so long?" he asked James, sounding bored.

"Sirius, check out Remus. I think he needs the Hospital Wing."

"_Come on_," whined Sirius. "_I want to play gobstones._"

"Look, I don't know where you came from, but where I come from, we take care of one another," James said in a commanding voice.

Despite the pain, Remus couldn't help feel just a little bit better.

"Okay, you're right" muttered Sirius. "Listen, kid," Sirius began, but then he got a real good look at Remus. The boy's pallor was startling and he looked like he was on the verge of fainting. The glance quickly brought Sirius to his senses.

"Come on, get up, easy fix, we get you to the hospital wing, the nurse gives you something, you feel better. Done. How hard can that be?"

"I can't," Remus said softly but firmly. Weak as he was, he forced himself up and out of bed.

"Listen, please. I have a condition. Madam Pomfrey knows about it. There's nothing anyone can do. I am just going to be the sick kid."

Wow, something serious.

For longer than they had been since they arrived, Sirius and James were speechless.

James was the first to speak: "How sick? Are you going to die?" James' parents were very old so he spent an unusual amount of time contemplating death.

"I can't believe you just asked him if he's going to die. Who does that?" hissed Sirius.

"Oh seriously, you know you were thinking it too" James shot back.

"Well, how would _you_ answer if someone asked you 'are you on your deathbed?' and there was a possibility that the answer might be yes? We don't even know him very well." Sirius bit back, as if Remus wasn't there

"I think it's an okay question," James answered. "Easy response: umm, yeah, I have two weeks to live so I don't have to worry about the end-of-the-year exams."

In a pause in their back-to-back hissing match, Remus managed to put in: "If I don't get some peace and quiet someone's going to die and it is not going to be me."

"Look, he bites back," said Sirius, smiling again.

Remus couldn't help but grin.

"I'm not dying. I just have a weak immune system". This was the go-to family lie. "There's no cure."

James had a million more questions but Sirius kicked James in the shins before he could embarrass himself. James thought about what his parents would do if he was feeling sick and miserable.

"I'm sorry if I was a bit of a git. It sucks, you know, you being sick on our first weekend."

Sirius cleared his throat. "If you were a git", Sirius muttered in an undertone.

"But let us get you something: water, food, whatever you want."

Remus' thin, pale face broke into a soft smile that warmed his body.

"Thank you but I'm fine." He didn't want to mention Lamby; He didn't know if house-elves usually delivered breakfast with notes.

"Do you want us to keep you company?"

Remus never knew what possessed him to say yes. But when his response came out, his whole body felt certain of his choice.


End file.
